


It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold

by supercali



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:20:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21705508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercali/pseuds/supercali
Summary: Christmas through the years after Robert is sentenced.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Original Character(s), Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 7
Kudos: 105





	It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Christmas calendar over on tumblr. I've taken a few liberties with legal stuff here, but let's go with it. It's soap after all ;)
> 
> Just remember I always love a happy ending!
> 
> @whatdiknow has made an amazing gifset to go with the fic. Go check it out! https://whatdiknow.tumblr.com/post/189532656570/robert-had-told-him-to-stay-home-have-christmas

1\. 2019

Robert had told him to stay home, have Christmas with his family, but he’d ignored him and instead of keeping the visiting order for after the holiday he’d booked his flight. There was only one place he wanted to be, and besides they got an extra visit over Christmas and he wasn’t going to waste that.

His Mum had gone mental that he wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them but he’d held firm. There was no chance he wouldn’t see Robert. It’d be good to get away, away from the suffocating feeling in the village. He couldn’t decide if everyone was waiting for him to fall apart or judging him because he hadn’t. Either way he didn’t much relish the idea of Christmas in Emmerdale. 

So that’s how he finds himself stood outside a prison in the middle of nowhere, in the pouring rain. It’s not Christmas Day, there’s no visiting then but it’s as close as he could get.

The minute he’s inside he breathes a sigh of relief. It doesn’t look like the place he was in, not like the other place Robert was in, he’s not sure how he would’ve dealt with that, too many memories. It’s quite, well nice, for a prison. Before he can think on that too much the door opens and he can see Robert for the first time in nearly two months.

He looks alright, as far as he can tell and he’s smiling as he sits down. The quick hug they allow themselves isn’t enough, not the kind of hug they want, but being close is enough, especially as it’s the first visit he’s made here. The past few weeks since he was moved have been horrendous.

“Hi.” The edges of his mouth turn up a little, that little word holding so much more meaning, that no one else would get. It means _I missed you_ , it means _I love you_ , everything they can’t say out loud. That’s the worst part, not being themselves. He’d never risk it, never put Robert in that position if he could help it.

“How are you? What’s it like here?” He couldn’t help looking around at the other inmates.

He shrugs and looks around, “I’m alright, you know. It’s not…it’s better than I thought. Got a cell to myself, that’s something. There’s plenty to do, courses and that. It could be worse, we both know that.”

“I left some money at the desk there, should be enough for a while. There’s some photos of Seb and that, Vic and Liv, you know. Liv insisted on takin’ them.” She’d made sure he had been in some of them, telling him it was better than nothing.

“How are they?”

“They’re fine.” He’s not going to tell them that he and Liv keep fighting, that’s she’s too like his Mum and Paddy, telling him to move on. He’ll only worry and there’s nothing he can do. “Vic’s reckons she’s going to get me painting the nursery after the holiday. Says it’ll take my mind off stuff.”

“Ah, cheap labour eh?”

“Yeah.” He looks round. “Can we stop with all the small talk?”

“I don’t exactly have a lot of news Aaron.”

“I know but…”

“I told you not to come… It would’ve been easier if you hadn’t.”

“What? You don’t want to see me?”

“I just want what’s best for you. That’s all.”

“No, you’re not doing this. You don’t always know what’s best for me. I’m fine!” If he’s honest he’s been expecting it, but when the visiting order came he’d just thought he was being paranoid.

“Are you though? You know I can see through that front you put on. You’re tired. Are you sleeping?”

“On and off.” He isn’t going to tell him that the only way he got a good night’s sleep was when he had too many beers. That the bed was too big without him and how the nightmares that he thought he’d banished have come back. “Don’t tell me, you’re sleeping like a baby?”

“This isn’t about me, Aaron. I want nothing more than to have never gotten up that day, or that I’d been selfish and we’d run and had that life we talked about, but I can’t change anything now. What I can do is make sure you don’t waste your life on me.”

“Stop talking about us like it’s that easy to throw away. I love you.” He hissed, dipping his head closer, “That doesn’t just stop because you’re banged up! My vows meant more to me than just giving up.”

“Don’t…” Robert spreads his hands on the table, stretching his pinky finger so it touched Aaron’s. “I promised to put you first…remember? That’s what I’m doing. You deserve the world Aaron, not years of trekking back and forth to the sodding Isle of Wight for an hour every month.”

“I’d do it. If that’s all we get then I’ll do it.” Robert shook his head. “I can’t just walk away and leave you here, Robert. Please don’t make me.” He’s being too loud now, but he doesn’t care, not right now when his world is crumbling and he can’t do anything to stop it.

“It’s for the best. You’ll see that one day Aaron. You have tons of people around who love you. I know right now they’re probably saying and doing the wrong thing but they love you and they’ll be there for you now I can’t be.”

“But they won’t! They don’t understand. What about you? You’ll be here all alone. Vic’ll be too busy with the baby to visit soon enough, and I doubt Diane will come all this way. You’ll have no one!”

“I’ve managed on my own before. Maybe I deserve it.”

“No. Don’t say that. You know that’s not true.” He hated the defeated look on Robert’s face, totally beaten down.

“Isn’t it? I’ve let you down. All of you.”

“No!”

“I’m sorry Aaron. You should go, go home, spend Christmas with your family.”

“You don’t get it do you. That’s you!”

“I can’t Aaron. Please, don’t make this any harder.”

“Fine. I’ll go, but you know what, I’ll come back, because you’re going to realise this is stupid and when you do I’ll be here. However long it takes.”

“You can’t, not without a visiting order.” He stands up and Aaron can see tears in his eyes and he wants to shake him and make him see just how stupid he’s being. “I’m sorry.”

“Robert…”

“Merry Christmas Aaron. I love you, remember. That’s why I’m doing this.” Before he can answer Robert’s walked away.

“Wait!” He can’t help himself, and everyone’s looking at him. “Merry Christmas.”

When he looks at him there’s a sad smile and then the guard is moving him on. Aaron’s head was spinning. He knew Robert thought he was doing the right thing. He’d come to his senses in the end, Aaron knew he would.

All he had to do was wait. He could do that.

*****

2\. 2020

“Are you sure love?” His Mum stops one more time at the door, a squirming Eve held securely in her arms. “Not even for Eve?”

“Mum…” They’ve had this conversation so many times, ever since the calendar turned over to December and he’s tired of it. She either can’t or won’t understand that he doesn’t want to celebrate, not after last year. That even though it’s been a year it still hurts just as much. “That’s not fair, using her. I’ll only spoil it for everyone.”

“No you won’t. He won’t want this, that’s why…”

“Why he stopped letting me visit? Cut me off last Christmas? Ignored all my letters? As if it’s that simple to just forget and get over him.” He sighed, catching hold of his little sister’s hand. “I’ll pop round tomorrow night, bring her present. Will that do?”

“It’ll have to. I don’t like it though.” He doesn’t answer, there’s no point and she gets the hint and leaves. He shuts the door behind her with a sigh, looking around the flat. He hasn’t decorated, there’s no tree this year, no gaudy train set up in the kitchen to drive Robert mad. He’d not shut up about it that last Christmas at home, every time he set foot into the kitchen and saw the flashing lights he’d complained, making him and Liv laugh.

There’s three cards up on the mantelpiece, the rest are in the bin. There’s one from Seb, written out in Rebecca’s writing, _‘To Daddy Aaron’_ with a colourful scribble from the little boy _._ The others are only up because they’re addressed to both him and Robert, distant friends that still haven’t heard the news. Everyone else had only added the one name, like he didn’t exist anymore, like they weren’t still married. As if it was as easy as that to forget about him.

He’d seen his Mum looking for hers, the only one he’d hesitated over when he’d opened it because he knew she loved him, knew she was only doing her best in her own way. In the end he’d thrown it away like the rest. Everyone else might be forgetting about Robert but he wouldn’t, no matter how hard Robert himself tried to make him. He’s not heard a thing since that last visit and he knew he wouldn’t. Once Robert put his mind to something it took a herculean effort to shift him. For the first few months he’d written, trying to make him see how stupid he was being but in the end he’d stopped, there was no point.

Being alone for Christmas doesn’t bother him, the only person he wants isn’t here. Liv is in Ireland, probably wanting to get away from the misery. He can’t blame her, but he can’t shake himself out of it. 

Maybe it would be different if Seb were here. Then he’d make an effort, for the little boy, decorate the tree and fill it with presents. The presents are in the wardrobe, ready for the trek to Liverpool in a couple of days. It’s not the same though.

So he’ll spend the day on his own, at least no one will be nagging him. He knows everyone wants him to move on, to get over it, but he can’t. He might understand where Robert’s coming from if he tries hard, but it doesn’t stop it hurting any less. That last visit, still played like a movie in his mind. 

He doesn’t want this, he wants to see his husband, however little that might be, it’s better than nothing. They can get through this, they’ve got through worse but Robert always thought he knew best. He knows Vic still writes occasionally, maybe Diane too, but he never asks if they get a reply. It’ll hurt too much to know he’s the only one excluded. He knows if anything is wrong they’d tell him, but other than that he’s told them he doesn’t want to know.

Christmas Day dawns with him on the sofa, having fallen asleep in front of a crappy film. His phone is full of texts, from his Mum, from Vic, even one from the unnamed number that he recognises. Typical Adam, full of emojis and silliness and it makes him smile for a few seconds before reality hits.

That last Christmas he and Robert had been together, opening stupid Christmas sweaters, Liv smiling at them. They were happy, everything going right for them for a change. Now the place was empty, cold and he was alone.

He thinks about changing his mind and going to the pub, but the thought of the pitying looks, the cheerful _‘it’ll get better love’_ from his mum, makes him stay put.

He forces himself to get dressed, reaching for one of Robert’s warmest sweaters that still hang in the wardrobe, swearing when it falls off the hanger onto the floor. His hand brushes against something as he bends to pick it up and he pulls out a gift bag. He’d never worked out what to do with Robert’s things so he’d left them where they were, as if he’d just gone on an overnighter somewhere.

He sits on the floor against the bed because part of him knows what it is before he even looks. It’s wrapped up too neatly to be something Liv hid away, and he’d recognise the handwriting anywhere. The same tag as he always wrote, ‘ _To Aaron, Merry Xmas, love Rob x’._ The package is soft and he knows what he’ll find when he rips off the paper.

It’s soft, and a deep blue, bringing a smile to his face as he held it. Robert always complained that he only ever wore black, even though it wasn’t true. The battles they’d had when Robert wanted to take him shopping and he’d turn his nose up at the bolder colours his husband would suggest. He sobs out a laugh when he sees the front. A smiling, frankly slightly scary, snowman stared back at him with the words #Yule do! emblazoned across the front.

He had no idea when he’d even bought it, but he’s crying as he slips it on, a perfect fit. He’s wiping his eyes constantly, the tears coming faster than he can stop them and he just stays where he is, letting them fall. 

He knew Robert loved him, no matter what he said or did. That was all that mattered. He could wait.

*****

3.2022

The last place he expected to spend Christmas Eve was pacing a hospital corridor waiting for someone to tell him what was going on.

He’d been watching a film and thinking about going to the pub to see Eve leaving out the biscuits and carrot for Santa when his phone had lit up. It had been a nurse from a Liverpool hospital and he’d thought he was going to throw up thinking something had happened to Seb. Instead he listened as she explained he was one of the contacts should anything happen to Rebecca. She wouldn’t tell him any more than that so here he was waiting.

“Mr Dingle?” He turned to see a young woman smiling at him.

“Can you tell me what’s going on? Where’s Rebecca and Seb?”

“Let me introduce myself, I’m Anna Jones from social services. Let’s sit shall we?” His heart feels like it’s going to force it’s way from his chest, this can’t be good he can tell that much. “The hospital called us in about…Sebastian?”

“Seb. Is he alright?”

“He’s fine. They’re keeping him in for observation as I understand it, but he’s absolutely fine.”

“Thank God. I still don’t understand…why am I here?”

“Ms White, and Mr Barton were in an accident this evening. I thought someone had told you. Sorry.”

“They’re dead, aren’t they? That’s why you called me.” He wasn’t stupid, there was only one reason he would be called. He couldn’t really think straight. He was sad, for Rebecca, for Ross, but mostly for Seb, he must be so scared and confused.

“Yes. I’m so sorry. I understand that she shared custody with you and your husband?”

“Uh, yeah. The thing is…Robert…well he’s in prison and we’re not…he won’t let me visit. Will that make a difference?”

“As long as we can contact him. Is he likely to be happy for you to bring up Sebastian?”

“Yeah. He’s been visiting still after Robert…left. We’re not divorced or anything. He’s just bloody stubborn.” She laughs a little at that, still making notes. “Look, you probably know…I’ve got a record too. Is that going to…”

“It shouldn’t. He’s been visiting you regularly. We’ll have to do all the checks to tick the boxes but…put it this way, if your husband was here there’d be no need for me to talk to you like this. It’s just formality. We can sort it all out after the holiday. The main thing now is that Sebastian sees a familiar face.”

“I, er, have the number for Robert’s solicitor. He’s the only one he speaks to.” 

He wanted to believe it was getting easier not hearing from him, but still every phone call him think that maybe it would be him even though it never was. Not that he ever let on to anyone. As far as his family were concerned he was fine. He couldn’t tell them the truth even after all this time. He might go out with Ellis and Billy now and then, he might smile at all the family parties, but he wasn’t fine. He still ached for Robert, still missed him as much as ever, he just had to keep it all locked up inside.

“Good. That’ll help. Right, let’s get you to your boy. Make you both a bit happier.” He follows her through the brightly decorated corridors, Christmas in full flow despite where they are. He should probably be calling people, his Mum will be wondering where he is, he’d left the house so fast he’d not called her, but all he cared about was getting to Seb. He must be so scared.

“Here he is. If you just write those numbers down for me, I’ll get started straight after Christmas. Here’s my card, call if there are any problems. Everything will work out Mr Dingle, but don’t worry about that now. Concentrate on him and I’ll be in touch.”

“Thank you. For everything.”

When she’s gone he pushes open the door to find a scowling Seb and a nurse trying to get him to drink some juice.He looks his usual five year old self which is reassuring at least.

“Hi bug!”

“See Seb, I told you Daddy wouldn’t be long, didn’t I?”

“Dada Aa’on.” He smiles at the missing letter in his name. He must be tired, it always slipped then.

“That’s right. Is he ok?” He asks as he kisses the top of Seb’s head. She nods and leaves them alone. It’s not long before Seb’s face crumples and he’s crying. Aaron scoops him up, shushing him as he carries him over to the window.“Everything’s alright bug. Everything will work out. I promise.”

It’s hours later when the door to his room opens. Seb’s asleep and Aaron’s curled up in the chair beside his bed. Looking up he sees his Mum standing there watching him. He should’ve known she’d drop everything when he called her, even though he’d said not to. He couldn’t deny being glad to see her.

“How is he?”

“He’s fine. I don’t think he knows what’s going on.”

“And how are you?”

“I…he’s mine now and…how do I do this on my own? I don’t know what to tell him…anything.”

“Oh, love. You’ll do it because that little boy needs you. You have all of us to help you, like we have before with him. Someone here will be able to tell us. It’ll all be ok, I promise.”

“Me and Robert, we were…”

“Love, Seb needs you, more than ever now. I know you hate me for saying it but Robert made his decision. He’s not here. You are, and Seb needs you.”

“I know but…this is different, it’s Seb, there are decisions to make and I don’t know what to do. There’s all his stuff…and school and…” He trailed off, feeling lost.

“You don’t have to worry about all of that right now. He’s all that matters tonight. Everything else will right itself in the end.” She pulls him into a hug and he clings to her, wants her to make everything better like she always used to.

*****

4\. 2023

It’s hard to believe it’s his fifth Christmas without Robert. He’s had to move on somewhat, had to start living his life again, mainly for Seb. It still hurts, he still wants Robert, wants to hear his voice more than anything but there’s little he can do when Robert refuses to see him. He knows Vic had pleaded his case before he cut her off as well, but Robert’s the stubbornest person he knows, especially when he thinks he’s doing the right thing. Even about Seb there’s been no contact. Maybe he should take it as a sign that Robert trusts him but he’s just angry, it’s like he doesn’t care what happens to the little boy.

He’s put a tree up this year, a different one to the one he and Robert decorated together. Everything is new, all the old stuff stored away in the attic because even though it’s just a few baubles and stuff, he can’t bear to part with anything of Robert’s. 

Vic’s invited him over for Christmas, just her and little Oliver. Diane’s visiting Bernice and he still doesn’t feel up to a full Dingle Christmas so he’d jumped at the chance. Liv’s going to Wishing Well, the gulf between them that opened up after Robert left has never quite gone away.

This year has been the hardest, harder than before when he didn’t have Seb, every birthday, every anniversary he’d waited, hoping for a phone call or a letter, waiting for Robert to come to his senses and see that however far apart they were they needed each other, but there had been nothing. He’d thought maybe now Aaron had Seb it would change things, but he’d heard nothing.

Some days he still hates him for it, spends the day with a metaphorical black cloud over him and it’d be amusing how everyone goes out of their way to avoid him if he cared.

Robert would laugh at him if he could see him right now wandering round the supermarket with Vic,pushing the trolley and amusing Ollie while Vic’s trying to pick out the perfect vegetables, Seb’s clutching onto his hand, eyes wide at all the chocolate treats everywhere. He’d wondered if the little boy would associate it all with what happened last year but so far he seemed happy enough. 

“Are you sure you don’t want help Vic? Tomorrow I mean? I know you’re a chef and all but I feel a bit mean not helping out.”

“You’re going to keep these two out of my hair aren’t you? That’s enough. There, cross off carrots and potatoes.”

He and Vic have become a lot closer the past year, since Seb came into his life permanently, since Robert stopped writing to her too. Vic seemed to accept it a lot quicker than he did when he stopped writing, but he supposed it wasn’t like she’d not lost him before. Besides losing a brother was a lot different to a husband, but at least she hadn’t told him to get over himself like the others used to.

“Are you sure you want to come over on Saturday? I won’t be offended if you want to spend it with your family.”

“And hear more about how it’s time I found someone new? No thanks."

“Is it still that bad?”

“Cain and Charity are alright, and Sam is…well Sam, but Mum and Paddy just don’t give it a rest. I know they worry, but why can’t they see, I don’t want anyone else. I’m managing alright as I am.”

“You are managing great. I’m not going to tell you what to do when I’ve been there myself. I’ll let you pick the wine though.” She takes her nephew’s hand as Aaron reaches up for a bottle of wine, frowning at the label.

“I…do you think this is right? Robert would know.”

“It’s wine. As long as it’s drinkable I don’t care. It’s nice you know, to hear you talk about him, all casual and that. You don’t so much anymore.”

“No one ever got it, me and him and if I do talk about him they just look at me like I’m mad for holding onto something that isn’t there.”

“Like I said, I’m not one to talk am I? Sometimes I still hope Adam will come back and we’ll carry on. As long as you’re looking after yourself then it’s up to you, isn’t it?”

“I thought that even if he didn’t write to me, at least he’d want to know about Seb, find out how’s he’s doing.”

“You know him, when he thinks he’s doing the right thing. He knows Seb is safe with you so I suppose in his mind that’s enough.”

“He’s an idiot.”

“No one ever argued that.”

He lets out a laugh. “Come on, let’s get the rest of this done.”

“Daddy, can I have choc’ate.” He lets out a laugh and ruffles Seb’s hair, the moment broken and the sadness fades away.

“Someone’s got his Dad’s sweet tooth.”

“Come on then bug, you’ve been good, let’s find you some chocolate.”

*****

They have a nice day all things considered. He watches Seb dive into his pile of presents, taking endless photographs and he waves Liv off to the pub with a smile, promising her he’s ok. The rest of the morning he spends at the playground with the two boys, letting Vic cook in peace. 

Later he wonders what Robert is doing, whether he’s thinking of him or not, whether he’s alright. Like he told Vic, that’s the worst part of this, not knowing if he’s ok. As far as he knows he’s still his next of kin on all the forms so he’d be told if anything had happened, but her knows all too well that it’s not that simple.

“There, that’s all done. Do you want me to take him?” Vic asks as she comes in from the kitchen. He’s got Oliver on his lap, fast asleep, and Seb curled up beside him looking at the pictures in his new book. It’s the most relaxed he’s felt for a long time and he shakes his head at her, only looking up when he hears the click of her camera.

“For my stubborn idiot of a brother.”

“It won’t make a difference. You know him when his mind is made up.”

“Won’t do any harm though, will it.”

“We were going to do so much you know?” He says after a while and a couple of beers. “Me and him.”

“You still can. There’ll still be time.” He shakes his head.

“We were going to have kids, more kids. Live this amazing life. We talked about it you know, just the two of us. He had all these plans and now that’s gone. He ruined it.”

“I know you don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I?”

“No. You love him, as much as he loves you. Even the stupid bits.” That makes him laugh. “He’s not doing any of this because he doesn’t love you.”

“No?” He shifts Seb a little so he can reach into his pocket, handing over the letter he’d got the day before, dated a month ago, obviously stuck in the system somewhere like a sick Christmas joke. “Then why did he send this?”

“He wants a divorce?” She’s whispering even though Seb is sleeping and likely won’t understand. “Why not just send the papers, why send a letter asking.”

“Because he can’t do it without my consent, or not easily. We’ve not been apart five years yet. I can’t Vic, he can’t expect me to agree to it.”

“How long have you had it?”

“Yesterday. Lovely Christmas present isn’t it? Vic, I can understand him not seeing me, or calling me. I don’t like it but I know why. But this…this is another thing entirely. It’s the end of us.”

“So don’t agree to it.”

“But…if he really doesn’t want me anymore.” The doubts had crept in overnight. At first he’d thought it was just Robert giving him another chance to let go, but a sleepless night had him convinced it was more than that.

“Aaron, he does. It’s Robert. He loves you and that’s why he’s doing it. He’s giving you to out.”

“I don’t want it. He should know that.”

“Yeah. But you’ve been in prison. You know how it messes with you.” He nods. She’s right not that it makes it hurt any less.

“Did you speak to Paul. What did he say?”

“Just that Robert had instructed him to do it if I agreed. Nothing else.”

“So get him to tell Robert you won’t agree to anything without seeing him.”

“That sounds like blackmail.”

“Well I am a Sugden. It’s worth a try isn’t it? Maybe face to face he’ll see that nothing is going to change how you feel.”

“Maybe. The least he could do is see me about Seb if nothing else.”

“And stop carrying that letter around in your pocket. It’s not going to tell you anything.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He looked over at Seb, still fast asleep. “I should get him home. Thanks for today Vic.”

“Well, I miss him too. We should stick together. You know…your lot, they do mean well.”

“I know they do. Doesn’t help though.”

The walk home has him thinking maybe she’s right. Maybe he should try one more time to get Robert to see him. If he wouldn’t, even about this, then he supposed he’d have his answer, for better or worse.

*****

5\. 2026

Betrayal. That’s what the feeling was as he stepped into a strange home on a cold night. He’d been feeling it ever since he’d met Josh, ever since they went on a first date, the first time he let him drop him off at Mill, even the first time they’d had a drink in the pub. Now he was meeting his parents two days before Christmas and all he could think about was Robert.

Robert hadn’t agreed to a visit in the end, but even then Aaron couldn’t let go. Petty it might’ve been but he’d still refused to agree to the divorce, and made his husband wait the required five years.

The papers landing on the doorstep hadn’t been a surprise, he’d almost been counting the days waiting for them. He’d not felt anything really, still convinced this was all part of Robert’s pushing him away. As much as anyone told him he was free now, he didn’t consider it that way.

Until one night out when he met Josh. Not long after Robert’s birthday and he was feeling down again, he’d literally bumped into him and Josh had asked him out. He’d found himself agreeing. The truth was, however much he missed Robert, he was lonely. That was all it was at first, but he found himself enjoying Josh’s company. Despite that he’d kept him at arm’s length until recently.

An hour or two, that’s what he’d said when Aaron told him he had to get back. He hadn’t told him about Seb. They’d not been going out that long and Aaron was fiercely protective. Besides, if it wasn’t going to go anywhere then there was no point. 

He’d only ever done this the once, meeting the parents and you didn’t meet Hazel, she just appeared in your life and stayed, so this was all new and he was nervous. He didn’t much care if they liked him or not, but he wanted to make a good impression nonetheless. Josh was nice, they had fun, but at the same time all he could do was compare him to Robert. Not that there was a comparison, no one would ever come close to Robert, it was just a lonely life, only Seb for company.

“Mum, Dad, this is Aaron.” He plastered what was hopefully a sincere smile on his face as he shook their hands. They seemed nice enough but he was so far out of his comfort zone he was just tense and he wanted to go home. The size of the house alone had him on edge. He didn’t belong here.

The questions started not long after, his hands full of a glass and plate of tiny little things that wouldn’t satisfy a sparrow. He laughs to himself that Robert would probably love them.

“So, Josh tells us you own a scrapyard.” He glances sideways, her tone getting his back up straight away.

“Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s mine.” He takes a sip of his drink, hoping they’ll move onto someone else, hates being the centre of attention.

“Must be difficult work?”

“Sometimes. I’m not afraid of hard work though.” He wants to leave, can see they dislike him already. He doesn’t know if it’s the fact he’s not as dressed up as the rest of them, him in his best jumper and jeans while they’re all in shirts and suit trousers, or that he owns a scrapyard. “It’s not glamorous but it makes a decent enough living.”

“I’m sure.” He can’t help but notice how her gaze shifts, like a laser beam on his hand and he knows what she’s looking at, curls his fingers tighter to try and hide it.

He doesn’t miss the way Josh shifts uncomfortably beside him when he notices. They’ve had more than one row over Robert. Josh just didn’t get why he couldn’t let him go, why he still wore his wedding ring when they were divorced. He just couldn’t understand that it wasn’t that easy, that taking the ring off meant leaving behind all the good memories they had.

“Mum, leave him alone, you’ll scare him off.” He gives him a grateful smile as his phone goes off in his pocket.

“I have to go.” He’s already up, looking for a place to dump his glass so he can find his coat.

“Aaron wait.” He catches up with him in the hallway. “You only just got here. If it’s Mum, she doesn’t mean any harm.”

“It’s not that. I just need to go.” He stares at him, remembering what Vic had said not long back when he’d asked her advice about Seb. “I’ve got to get back for Seb.”

“Who’s Seb?”

“He’s…he’s my little boy.” He couldn’t help biting his lip. 

“What? You never said anything.”

“Yeah. It’s complicated, but right now he needs me.”

“It’s a couple of hours. What are my parents going to think?” Aaron didn’t really care as he pulled on his coat. 

“They’ll understand. Look, I’ll explain, but not now. I have to go. You stay though, no point us both trekking back. I’ll call you later, yeah?” He manages to peck him on the cheek before hurriedly saying his goodbyes. As he pulls out of the drive he considered that he probably shouldn’t feel so relieved that he had to cut the visit short.

*****

“Sorry, Vic. I really thought he’d be ok tonight.” Seb’s in his arms, finally fast asleep, exhausted from crying and he’s not sure which is weighing heavier, Seb or the guilt he feels at having left him.

“Don’t be daft. He had a nightmare, that’s all. He just wouldn’t settle without you. Apart from that he’s been fine. How was it?”

“I’m not exactly disappointed that you called, put it that way.”

“Oh.”

“And now Josh knows about Seb so…I don’t know Vic, maybe I should just stay on my own.”

“Right, put him down on the sofa now he’s asleep and come into the kitchen. I’m making you a cuppa.” He knows better than to argue with her so he settles Seb and slumps in one of the chairs in the little kitchen. “Right, so what did he say when you told him about Seb?”

“Nothing. I didn’t really give him chance. Said I’d call him later, but what’s the point.”

“Well if you’re going to have that attitude…do you want my advice? Just talk to him. You’re not the first person with a kid to date someone. If you ask me, Seb’s not the problem.”

“What?”

“Josh either accepts it or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t then he’s not worth the trouble anyway. But I don’t think you’re really bothered either way, are you?”

“If you’re going to start the whole ‘ _Robert made his choice_ ’ speech then I’m goin’.”

“I’m not, but…that’s the problem isn’t it?”

“I…I can’t stop thinking about him Vic. Even after all this time, and I know it’s over. He’s decided that and I know we’re divorced, but none of that was my choice.”

“I know you don’t want to hear it but he did that for you, so that you could move on.”

“Doesn’t help, if I don’t want to move on though, does it? Anyway, chances are Josh will run a mile so it won’t matter.” He gulps back the rest of his tea. “I better go, get his lordship in there to bed. He’ll have me up early in the morning no doubt.”

“Excited is he?”

“Just a bit. I keep telling him it’s Christmas Day when he should get up early, not Christmas Eve but he won’t listen. Thanks for having him Vic.”

“Don’t be daft. Aaron, just listen to what I said, yeah?” 

He nods, picks Seb up and makes his way home. He knows Vic’s right, he has to think about moving on properly, not just going through the motions but it’s hard, harder than anyone ever seems to understand. He stops when he reaches Mill, sees Josh sitting on the doorstep. 

“Didn’t expect to find you here.”

“I…we need to talk. This him?”

“Yeah. Look, Josh,” He sighs, opening the door. “Let me put him to bed and then we’ll talk.”

*****

6.2029

He shouldn’t be doing this. That’s all he thinks as Robert backs him up against the wall of the barn. Their barn, still standing, amazingly. It’s Christmas, he shouldn’t be here, but he could never say no to him. No matter that he’s got a boyfriend at home, cooking, looking after Seb, thinking he’s just called in on a mate in Hotten. He shouldn’t be here, except it feels more right than anything has done for the last few years.

He’s with Josh, they’re happy enough, so why is he here in a cold, damp barn with Robert. The man who had cut him off, pushed him away, divorced him, and then turned up like the proverbial bad penny just when everything was finally starting to go right.

He’d arrived back, seemingly full of arrogance, just like the old Robert, moving into Vic’s and getting to know his nephew, and eventually Seb. Aaron could see the truth though, even if no one else could. He wasn’t the same Robert anymore, not really, underneath that arrogant exterior there was a new layer of vulnerability, that he only caught glimpses of. Although right now he was doing a good impression of not having changed.

“I shouldn’t be here.” He whispers as Robert’s hands make their way under his shirt.

“You are though.” He pulls away slightly, grinning. He’d forgotten how infuriating that grin was, and just how good it made him look. “So tell me, what would you be doing if you weren’t here? A good game of charades? A cosy film and a mug of cocoa with him while you try and forget your husband?”

“I wouldn’t be though, would I? Not anymore. My _husband_ saw to that.”

“Your _husband_ was protecting you.” He’s closer now, so close that his breath is tickling his cheek. It’s not the first time they’ve had this discussion, had a blazing argument about it the first time, but now it’s almost like foreplay. 

“Well then he’s an idiot who should know better.”

“Mmm. Maybe he should make up for it then?” He meets his gaze, the challenge clear as it always is. He should feel guilty, or at least _more_ guilty, but he doesn’t really. It was inevitable, he’d known that from the minute Robert came back. He knew he should end it with Josh, didn’t really know what was stopping him. Maybe he was just waiting for it all to be ripped away from him again.

“You’re infuriating.”

“And yet you love me. Now, are you going to shut up so I can kiss you or would you rather waste precious minutes arguing with me?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, lips crashing into Aaron’s and he stops thinking about anyone else.

It’s later when he’s pulling on his coat that the guilt comes back. Robert’s watching him, a small grin permanently stuck on his face.

“This was a bad idea.”

“Oh I don’t know. Pretty good way to spend Christmas if you ask me.”

“I hate you sometimes, you know. The hold you have on me even after you pushed me out of your life.” He collapses down onto the hay bales beside him, not ready to go home yet. It’d only been a couple of months but he already knew he didn’t want to lose him again, didn’t want to go home.

“You know why. It was for the best.”

“For you.”

“You really think that? It killed me Aaron, not seeing you, hearing from you, but I know you, you would’ve kept visiting for the whole time if I’d let you.”

“Of course I would! I’m…I’m your husband! Or I was. The first sign of trouble and you gave up Robert. Didn’t give me a chance to show you I could do it.”

“You shouldn’t have had to. Aaron, you deserve the world and if I couldn’t give that to you…”

“Then I should just find someone who could? It doesn’t work like that Robert. You might think you’re not worth it, or anyone could replace you, but they can’t.”

“The guy in the kitchen at Mill right now probably proves different.” The facade drops again, the vulnerability shining out and Aaron wants to reach for him, but he doesn’t. Then he reaches out for the chain that’s hidden beneath Aaron’s shirt, fingers gently holding onto the wedding ring that’s attached. “ _This_ proves different."

“He’s nice, and he puts up with a lot, he’s accepted Seb, been helping out at the scrapyard too…” That wasn’t strictly true but a part of him wanted to push Robert just that little bit. He’d taken the ring off not long after the previous Christmas, maybe some kind of way to prove he was over Robert, to show Josh he was serious, even though it had hurt. He hadn’t been able to part with it completely though. Didn’t think he ever could.

“Perfect.” Robert interrupts, his voice dripping with bitterness.

“You don’t get to do that, Robert. It took me years to even think about dating. I didn’t, not for ages even after the divorce, so don’t you _dare_ judge me for doing what you say you wanted me to do. That didn’t even come off until last Christmas. I didn’t give up!”

“So why are you here then? If he’s so bloody perfect. Some kind of revenge?”

“You know why. There’s never been any way I could keep away from you. Never would’ve done if you hadn’t pushed me away.”

“We’re going round in circles. I don’t know if this is some kind of karma, or what. Me being the one waiting around in barns for you or watching you leave to go back to him, but I hate it.”

“So what _do_ you want?” He already knows, it’s only ever going to end one way with them, but he needs to hear it.

“You. _Us_.”

*****

7\. 2030

Perfect. That’s the only word he can come up with to describe the feeling as he wakes up on Christmas morning, next to Robert in their bed. The house is quiet, suspiciously so but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to move, would stay here all day if he could but no doubt there’s a starving, just turned teenager downstairs, and he knows it won’t be long before his phone starts going with texts about dinner from his Mum.

“Don’t go.” Robert murmurs as he reaches for his phone to check the time.

“I’m not.” The clinginess was new. Well, sort of. Robert had never been one for letting him out of bed in the morning, using all and any excuse he could to get him to stay, but this was different. This was more ‘ _if I let him go he’ll disappear’_ and Aaron completely understood it. He’d only been in prison just over a month and he’d not wanted to let Robert out of his sight. He couldn’t imagine what it was like after so long. “Just checking the time. You know Mum will want to come over first thing.”

“Mmm, whose idea was it to have them all over?”

“Yours remember? It’ll be nice, you said. Everyone together, because that’s never been a disaster in the past.”

“They’ll behave.”

“I’ve never seen any evidence of it so far. Anyway I can’t hear anything downstairs so Seb’s probably waiting for breakfast.”

“He’s old enough to scavenge for himself.” He smiles at the slurred voice, Robert still half asleep and he can’t help pulling him that bit closer, a hand on the warm skin under his t-shirt.

“Not after last time he’s not. I’m not redoing the kitchen again.”

“Five more minutes.”

“Dad!” Aaron let out a sigh. “Liv’s here!”

“No rest for the wicked is there. Take your time.” He leaves him with a kiss, ignoring the murmur of complaint when he gets out of bed. 

Liv and Seb are whispering by the fridge when he gets downstairs and he’s instantly suspicious when Seb says he’s going to see his Nana. He’d expected him to be badgering them for his presents.

“Right, what’s going on? What are the two of you up to?”

“Nothing. We were just saying that this place is a bit small for all of us.” He didn’t buy the innocent look for one minute but he let her carry on, still half asleep. “So I spoke to Harriet and she said we could use the village hall. More room for the kids to run around in there anyway.”

“Liv, it’s too early for one of your jokes.”

“I’m not joking. I’ve called Chas and Marlon and Vic are going to take all the food over there when it’s ready. All we have to do is dress up and turn up. Where’s Robert?”

“Still in bed.” He liked to lie in these days, let it sink in that he was home a little bit before facing the chaos that seemed to reign in their house even now. “Liv, promise me that you're not up to something. It’s his first Christmas at home in ages…and he’s set his heart on this big family thing.”

“Exactly. That’s why we moved it. Less stress for you two, right? Just be there at one. I better go. I told Chas I’d help her take some chairs over.” She stops at the door, a wide smile on her face. “Merry Christmas Aaron.”

Robert doesn’t surface for another half an hour and when he hears the shower switch off he starts breakfast. Seb’s back from the pub and there’s definitely something going on because Seb’s an awful liar and he can see from his face he’s got a secret, like a five year old found with their hand in the cookie jar but he won’t tell him anything.

“What do you think is going on?” He asks when Seb’s watching TV, waiting not so patiently for them to finish their breakfast so he can open his presents. He might act all grown up now he’d turned thirteen but he was still a big kid at heart.

“With them it could be anything. If you want me to I’ll tell ‘em to stop.”

“No. You don’t have to walk on eggshells you know. I’m know I’m not…I know I’ve changed, but…”

“Hey, stop it. I’m not walking on eggshells at all. It was just your idea to have everyone over, until _someone_ took over!” He raises his voice so Seb can hear him.

“Not my fault if I have the best ideas.”

“Oh God, he’s turning into you.” Aaron can’t help but joke when really he loves seeing just how like his Dad Seb is. 

*****

A couple of hours later they’re alone and he hands Robert his final present. For some reason he’s nervous about it but it’s too late to take it back. 

“What’s this?” Robert asks, holding onto the heavy box.

“It’s…well take a look.” The look on his face at the first page is enough to tell Aaron he’d made the right choice. “It’s not everything, that’d take a whole library with this village, but I thought the highlights would be good enough. Do you like it?”

“Aaron it’s amazing. It must’ve taken you ages.” He runs his hands over the album, filled to the brim with photos from the past decade, all the big Dingle and Sugden moments, as well as the funniest goings on in the village. “Is that _Sam_? What’s he wearing? Is that a chicken costume?”

“His stag night. That’s what you get for letting a four year old pick the theme. Eve, egged on by Seb.”

“What did you wear then?”

“Nothin’.” He mumbled. Robert just looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “Oh for…Seb picked it, alright. I always said he was trouble.”

“But what was it?”

“He was an ickle bunny rabbit, weren’t you Dad.” Seb says, the glee evident in his voice as he runs down the stairs.

“Oh my God.” He thinks Robert’s going to choke with holding in the laughter and he glares at the pair of them. “Tell me there are pictures.”

“I might have some safely hidden away.” Seb remarks as he grabs the box of chocolates from the table, hand already deep inside, despite only finishing his breakfast an hour before. “I’ll want payment.”

“Of course you do. You’ve got his genes.” Aaron grumbled, but really he was just happy to see them both joking around. It hadn’t been completely easy, Robert coming back into Seb’s life, especially right when he hit his teen years but they were getting there. 

“What do you want?”

“To go to that party with Isaac on New Year’s Eve at Dotty’s.” Robert looked over and Aaron nodded. “Her Mum will probably be there, she worries more than you do so nothing will go wrong.”

“Fine, but you’re back by eleven. I mean it Seb. We want you here with us at midnight.”

“But…”

“Eleven. No later, and I’ll be telling Cain too.” 

“Ok. Cain told Isaac half ten anyway!” He flies back up the stairs before they can answer. They can’t help but look at each other and smile.

“So…a bunny rabbit huh?”

“Shut up!”

*****

“Seb if you don’t tell us what’s going on in the next minute then I’ll take back permission for the party.” There’s no heat in Robert’s words as they walk over to the village hall. “And you still haven’t told us why we’re dressed like this.”

They were dressed in suits, complete with ties and Aaron was already pulling at his.Seb had insisted but he hadn’t given a reason why.

“You don’t have any patience do you Dad? We might’ve fibbed just a little bit…but it’s for good reasons!”

“Right, one of you tell us what’s happening right now or we’re going home.” Aaron had had enough. He and Robert had spent ages deciding what to do for Christmas, even considering going away, but Robert had wanted all of their family to get together and now their plans had been hijacked.

“Alright, calm down. It was Seb’s idea and everyone pitched in to make it happen so don’t be ungrateful. If we leave it to you it’ll never happen. You gave notice months ago, and so we just hurried it along a little.” Liv explained as he glares at her.

“What?” Aaron was confused, gripping Robert’s hand like his life depended on it.

“I think what the two conspirators are trying to tell us is they’ve arranged a surprise wedding for us. Am I right?”

“It’s worked before. Besides, third time lucky, right?” Liv’s grinning and Aaron doesn’t know whether to hug her or shout at her.

“What about lunch and everything? It’s Christmas!”

“Is it? Fancy that. Lunch is still happening…gotta have a reception don’t you? Now, will you get in there because the registrar has to go at half past.”

“Oi.” Seb calls when they start towards the hall. “I need your rings.”

“What?” Aaron didn’t want to part with it, it having gone back on the minute he and Robert were properly back together.

“Look, the two of you might be weird and wear them when you’re still divorced but you need to take them off so you can get married and put them back on again. You think you’d know how it worked by now, wouldn’t you?”

“Oi, you less of the cheek.” He doesn’t take his ring off straight away, staring at Robert who’s smiling at him. Everything they’ve been through the past few years just melts away, none of it matters anymore. “Here. Lose ‘em and I’ll set Cain on ya.”

“It’s like fifteen steps! How could I lose them!”

“I learnt a long time ago that anything is possible with you Seb. Go on, give us a minute.”

When they’re alone he takes hold of Robert’s hands, still a little shell shocked. “Alright?”

“Yeah. You…you do want this, don’t you?”

“Robert, I never didn’t want this, to be married to you.” He ducks his head. “Oi, that’s all in the past, yeah?”

“No looking back?”

“No looking back.”


End file.
